I realize that movies are often about escape – not all of them but a good many of them are living vicariously through heroes – no matter if it’s a pre-teen wizard or a battle-scarred veteran of war. I also realize this means that more often than not, movies take certain liberties with the truth. Distorted history, questionable decision-making and, the focus of this particular blog, surviving just about situation that would kill a normal person. From the wacky to the best comedy movies to your favorite action films, chances are head injuries, bullet wounds and organ-liquefying explosions won’t bother your favorite on-screen characters one bit.
5) John McClain (Die Hard Series) – If there is anyone who embodies the role of action star like Bruce Willis? Plus, nothing says Merry Christmas to me like thwarting international terrorists. Most egregious example: McClain’s Feet of Steel. Think of how annoying and aggravating it is when you have a pebble in your shoe. Now imagine that pebble is actually a shard of glass and that it’s actually in your foot. Now multiply that by – oh, a couple hundred. Big pieces, tiny little pieces – would you be able to walk? Heck, to stand? No? How about run around thwarting terrorists. McLain does all that, despite his feet literally being hamburger at that point. You can say he’s survived worse, gun shots, beatings, helicopters but nothing bothers me more than those feet.
4) Ethan Hunt (Mission: Impossible Series) – Once again, we have a popular action series and while Tom Cruise may not quite embody the action hero status quite as effectively as Willis, he manages to step up his game for the Mission: Impossible series. Most egregious example: Surviving a Missile Attack. If you’re close enough to be slammed into a vehicle from the blast of an explosion – you’re not going to be walking away. If somehow your internal organs managed to survive, the resulting shrapnel would surely perforate something important and you would certainly not be hearing anything for, well, probably never again as your eardrums would be a thing of the past. Just think what a lit firecracker can do to a persons hand – now up that, oh, at least 50 times and then imaging you’re 20 feet away. That’s the end of your mission.
3) Harry & Marv (Home Alone, Home Alone 2) – Now here’s an unlikely adversary – a pre-pubescent, pint-sized twerp with an overactive imagination and way too may tools at his disposal. In the real world, the kid would have been sent to juvie for attempted murder or at least been referred to a really good psychologist. Most egregious example: Massive
head trauma. Pick the worst example – getting his with a brink (multiple times) at high velocity, suffering third-degree burns that would require multiple surgeries and skin grafts or simply electrocution. It’s all played for fun and games, but pretty much oh, 80% of the injuries suffered by the two so-called thieves would have resulted in serious injury and/or death. The kid obviously has some serious issues to work out.
2) Chev Chelios (Crank, Crank 2) – I realize that the Crank series is literally a live-action video game. Obviously logic has no place in these films, but still… Most egregious example: End of the first film/beginning of the second. For those who don’t want to be spoiled, skip to the last entry. Anyway, at the end of the first film our hero, having somehow kept his heart rate up during the course of the film, falls really far from a
helicopter and lands on solid concrete, eyes and ears bleeding. But, far from being dead he opens his eyes – and no sooner has this happened then we jump straight into the second film where his heart is removed and replaced by a battery-powered replacement that needs constant recharging. These films take almost dying to an absurd level – but
then, in just about every video game you seem to take superhuman damage before you die, so why not? Unbelievable, but a whole lot of fun..
1) Indiana Jones (Series) – I could pick a whole lot of things: falling a few hundred (if not a thousand or so) feet in an inflatable raft, surviving the wrath of God by… wait for it closing your eyes, or surviving a bomb blast literally a few feet in front of you, but no, there is only one thing that could make the top of this list. Most egregious example: The fridge. Yes, when confronting a nuclear bomb, just have a lead-lined refrigerator handy and everything will turn out just fine. You won’t be instantly vaporized, you’ll just be thrown a few hundred feet (once again, no injuries) and that pesky radiation? Nah – nothing of the sort a good scrub down can’t fix. To George Lucas (and Steven Speilberg), in the words of the immortal Gregory House: “You’re an idiot.” Plus, aliens, WTF?
No need to ruin your movie-watching experience – it’s just one of the quirky thing about nearly every action/drama/comedy film – just about everyone who appears in one should probably be dead (many of them multiple times over). Good guys, bad guys, innocent bystanders (I’m think about the guy who gets attacked by an Xbox in Transformers) – it’s a good thing movies aren’t all realistic or else all my favorite films would probably be classified as shorts.
Chris Kavan is the Community Manager of FilmCrave.com and he actually prefers a little less conversation, a little more action (please!).